My Mom's Last Gift

One of the people I wanted to write about in this blog is my mom. She died in March of last year.
I don't want to go into any detail at all about her death because at first read, it is long, depressing and extremely pointless. My mom suffered quite a bit in her last year and I hated watching her waste away without any ability to really help - being literally across the country. But, I would like to say that having the perspective I have in life - an eternal perspective that I've gained through a strong Mormon background - I know that her death and suffering were not pointless, at all.

When people wonder why bad things happen to good people, I can actually hold my mom's and my experience with her illness up as an example. I know why they happen and it's actually for a good reason. Mom spent her last year in a hospital, unable to get up, communicate or do any of the normal things we take for granted.

When she first went into the hospital, I was called back to Florida to be with her and to help with the doctors and tough decisions. I am her only child, which leaves me "responsible". My grandmother and all my uncles have way more life experience, but the final decisions as to her care were in my hands. That certainly doesn't seem fair and at the time it almost felt ridiculous. Who am I to know how to handle this stuff? I'm just a kid in comparison to the wisdom necessary for this.

I was scared when I took that first long flight home - scared of what she'd look and be like, what would happen while I was there and the great unknown. But, I had one thing going for me. I had the distinct thought that this would be one of the most important educational experiences of my life and I had a choice. I could either wallow in the overwhelming depths of despair that I felt or I could face the next few days or weeks as the learning experience it was and grow with it. On that flight, I chose to stay faithful, make the decisions and handle the situation the best I could - for my mom, my grandma and for myself. I have never regretted that decision because anytime I began to feel overwhelmed again, I could remember why I was doing all this. And, I knew that at the end of it, I would be a better stronger person than I was then -and I was right.

What I didn't know at that point was that not only would I be in FL that first time for 3 weeks with no resolution to my mom's situation but also that it would be a full year and more before I was through the muck of that time - before my mom would be through the muck of her experience only to be released in her passing. She spent that year without the ability to speak because of being on a respirator or write because of her weakness. Though we could talk to her, she had no way of telling us her feelings or what she was going through. She was alone in her thoughts. My uncle often said that she was having her own experience in her own spiritual world, wrestling with God in her own way. And, she was ever-so-patient in that trial.

In March of 2007, came the culmination of all that effort, waiting, fighting and learning - she was alone and unconscious when she passed and I heard via a phone call late at night after having made the last decision of her life - not to have the doctors resuscitate her if she went into another code-red. Had I recognized that they meant it could happen that night, I might have asked them to keep her alive until I got there. But, all that really would have done was eased my own guilt for not being there with her- it wouldn't have made it easier for her. To this day, I'm not sure I did the right thing on that last decision but I think that she had lingered long enough and didn't need to wait any longer. One day, I'll see her again and ask.

Anyway, the great things began to happen after her passing. It's funny how the deepest sadness really can be the most cleansing. I learned that I really appreciate mourning. So many folks don't like funerals or can't handle death but I now understand why we go through those steps and I actually felt honored to be able to give my mom that time of mourning, planning the funeral, preparing a tribute to her and performing the ordinances we all perform for our loved ones.

One of the things we Mormons do for those that pass is to dress them in the special temple clothes for their burial so that they are ready for the resurrection. I've never done this before and it was a bit shocking, very solemn and actually quite beautiful. We consider it the last service we can do for them and I was so honored to be able to participate. It was me, my grandma and 2 other ladies from my mom's ward and we dressed her in the funeral home. It was a very spiritual experience and one which I wouldn't mind doing again. You feel very close to the person you're serving and close to God and the spirit world. In a world like ours where everything is so base and profane, it is wonderful to have things like this to remind us of who we really are and where we come from.

I spent several days planning the funeral and writing an obituary for my mom. The obit in the paper only turned out to be a very few lines - any more would have cost more than we could afford but I used what I wrote on the program for the funeral which I created. I also spent time at the funeral home, picking out her casket and organizing the service and paying for these things (a rant on the death industry is surely in the future of this blog). I also put together a table of pictures and items from her life, including a life-sized color drawing of Goliath that she made several years ago. I was happy to do all of these things to honor my mom and it brought me some joy in that time.

The funeral itself was one of the most beautiful services I have ever been to. I had my uncle Rick do the eulogy. I felt he was the right one because although he and my mom didn't agree on much, he is the only Priesthood holder in the immediate family and I wanted his authority in that spot of the program. My daughter played a gorgeous piano piece by Beethoven that was perfect. I was so overcome with emotion while she played and so filled with the spirit. We then had folks come up and share their feelings and stories about my mom and it was amazing to hear how everyone else was dealing with the situation and to hear things I'd never heard about her.

The most powerful was shared by a man who was the High Priest group leader in her ward. In his role, he felt he had a responsibility to visit my mom occasionally. So, he did about once a month while she was there. None of us in the family knew he was visiting and since my mom couldn't communicate - though she was awake and aware most of the time, she had never been able to tell us, either. He said in his remarks that though he couldn't talk with mom much, he spent time with her and was amazed by the great amount of patience she had in her situation. Patience was a common theme in the service and in her life. He said that he had learned something about patience and dealing with trials from visiting my mom and that he was a better person for having done that. This was what really made me think about why these bad things happen to good people.

If my mom, had not gone through this experience, she never would have had the opportunity to learn and grow in that spiritual world that we can never comprehend. I would never have had the opportunity to deal with these doctors, lawyers, decisions and most importantly emotions that I'd never dealt with before. I certainly am a stronger person than I was before then. My grandma would never have had to learn whatever lessons were hers to learn. And, even this man had an opportunity to grow because of my mom's situation. All these people, her brothers, her friends, my husband and daughter and more that I don't even know of have all become a little bit stronger - a little bit better because my mom went through that.

That is what this life is all about. We have these terrible awful experiences so that we can wrestle with them, so that we can try to figure out what we need to learn from them, so that we can prepare for even more life lessons to come - and ultimately, so that we can prepare for what comes next - after this life. I am ultimately very grateful for the experience I had to go through. I'm even joyful about it now that it's over and I can see the stronger person I am - braver now to take on new challenges I never would have thought about before and much more appreciative of my wonderful mom who sacrificed most of her life to raise me and teach me. In her sickness and death I learned even more from her and for that I'll always be grateful to her and to God.

So, when something horrible is happening in your life - think about what you can learn from it and how it's going to make you a better person after you're through it. It's all for our good. It's all for our learning and it's all because we have a God, a Father above who loves us as we love our own children. He hates to see us suffer but allows those things to happen because He knows what He wants us to be on the other side and knows how to get us there. Have faith in Him and in the trials we experience.